From years of coaching men and women through their dating and relationship dilemmas, one of the biggest surprises I’ve found is that men and women suffer from an equal but opposite problem when it comes to meeting and dating: men have been made too feminine by society and the “teachers” that have raised them, while women have become too masculine as a result of society and the jobs they’ve conformed to.

You see, men and women, of course, have both masculine qualities and feminine qualities. But nowadays, there is a fine line between genders. This is again due to the evolution of the modern woman and the changing roles of the modern man.

But evolution aside, when a woman demonstrates too many masculine tendencies, it is a turn off to men while feminine behavior in a man is the biggest turn off to women – THE BIGGEST. All of this happens at a subconscious level. This explains why “nice guys finish last.” Women may say they want a “nice guy,” however, when it comes down to it, she will more than likely pick the guy with a bit of an edge because subconsciously, she’s attracted to his masculine qualities: masculine qualities IN MEN, trump female qualities IN MEN.

Furthermore, if a man has more feminine strengths than masculine, he is considered effeminate (which is not desirable but is accepted). As for women, if her masculine strengths out number her femininity, she is considered manly.  Do you see how this could cause a problem when it comes to the dating world?

Yet, what I’ve now realized is that it goes even a step further–the biggest turnoffs to women are displays of feminine weaknesses in men while men are turned off by women with masculine weaknesses.

So the logic is this:

Men lose points for having feminine weaknesses

Women lose points for having masculine weaknesses

Here’s an example of a situation our past client, Matt was experiencing on a regular basis before he came to us:  Matt would be out with his buddy John. John is a bit of a bull in a china shop – he tends to pay very little attention when people are talking about things that don’t interest him. Matt, on the other hand is a great listener and always knows what to say. He wishes women would make the first move.  Women constantly complain about John. Nevertheless, they seem to like him, and he has a really attractive girlfriend. A lot of Matt’s friends are women, and they can never understand why he’s single as he is such a catch. He’s a sweetheart! You see, John has Masculine traits while Matt has Feminine Traits. While John’s masculine weaknesses are annoying, he gets a pass for them – since they are masculine. It’s like a child being forgiven for being a child.

To make this easier for you to understand, here are some examples of Masculine and Feminine Positives and Negatives:

Masculine Weakness     Masculine Strength     Feminine Strength     Feminine Weakness

Aggressiveness                  Authoritative                 Tact                             Shy/Timid

Boastfulness                      Certain                           Sociability                   Spacey/Flaky

Obtuse                              Debonair                        Sensitivity                Drama-Queen

Pompous                           Spatially Skilled              Intuition                      Complainer

Vain                                  Self-Assured                   Humbleness                 Insecure

Foolhardy                          Courageous                    Verbally Skilled           Gossipy

Egotistical                         Goal Oriented                 Compassion                 Introverted

Violent                              Active                             Eloquence                    Passive

Act w/o Thinking             Protective                        Sympathy                Think w/o Acting

Oafish/Clumsy                 Physical                           Grace                             Indecisive

Over-Logical                    Black/White                    Charisma                       Illogical

Indifferent                        Easy Going                     Attentiveness                 Needy

Cold-hearted                    Competitive                     Caring                            Fearful

Flippant                            Witty/Funny                    Empathy                        Careless

Unfaithful                         Outrageous                     Carefulness                     Frightened

Skinny                              Lean & Muscular             Soft and Curvy               Fat

A good way to think of it is this: men earn points for Positive Masculine Traits – traits naturally attractive to women. Men lose points forNegative Masculine Traits (which are still somewhat attractive – because they are MASCULINE traits). Remember: a woman will always forgive a guy for being a man. So accordingly, men loseTRIPLE points for Negative Feminine Traits, and are MUCH less attractive to women.

Women follow this description in a pretty comparable way – a woman seems more attractive for her Positive Masculine Traits (like confidence, leanness or wittiness, for example) however, she is doubly punished for her masculine weaknesses (like dominance, flippancy or cold-heartedness).

However, this theory should also explain why opposites attract. More often than not, if a woman wears the pants in a relationship, it is because her male counterpart acts like more of a passive female. But the bottom line is this: if you are a man and you are single, you must approach. If you don’t approach and/or pursue, then not only will you remain single, but you validate my theory: you have feminine weaknesses. For women, if you are dominant and “hunt” your men, not only do you change the dynamics of dating, but you will also end up with a man that did not choose you. 

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